Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
