dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
