Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
