the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
