Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
