no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
