sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
