Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
