Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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