i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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