i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
