I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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