Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
