Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
