"it" just moved
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
