I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
should my penis look like a turkey
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
