you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
