Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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