Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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