I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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