the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
