I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
