I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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