Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
