My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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