I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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