Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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