If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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