She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
