ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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