i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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