Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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