I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
