Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
