You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
