i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
