im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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