mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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