you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
