Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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