hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
