Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
