I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
