Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
