there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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