You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
