you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
