theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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