ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
