Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?