True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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