Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
