Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
