If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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