I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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