You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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