I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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