I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
