Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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