First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
